"The way I need you is a loneliness I cannot bear."
Why is it that in a city the size of Edmonton, with people stacked on people, we are all so lonely. I have never felt so alone and isolated as I did at the mall today, shopping for Christmas presents amidst a throng of desperate consumers. Pressed close with strangers in a check-out line with nothing to bridge the gap between our souls. I looked into faces and saw only faces looking into faces. My own busyness and emptiness and cruelty reflected back like a funhouse mirror.
How can we all be so alone? I reach to my bookshelf and take down Carson McCullers, "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter." I stare at the author's picture on the dust jacket and meet the eyes of the paralytic alcoholic. Her baleful melancholy simply the exemplar of the raincload that descends upon my spirit every holiday season. Lonely hunter and stubborn prey. We want and don't want to be in the company of love. We want to be with others, but on our own terms... and the terms are unacceptable, unaccepting, unexceptional.
I am going to stop being lonely today. I am going to bridge the gap between Self and Other with a story or a kindness or a song. I'll meet that blank stare with a genuine effort to discover the lonely soul beneath. Wish me luck.
This makes me think of something you wrote on Facebook the other day. You said "we often give to other what we wish to receive." No one wants to be lonely. If you give a little of yourself I think you will receive a little back. Everytime you put yourself out there you will create a bubble of happiness in that lonely store you are shopping in. What I wonder is why is the fear of putting oneself out there stronger then the desire to no longer be lonely?
ReplyDelete"Many people fail to open up their thoughts and feelings to others for fear of sounding stupid...I fear sharing my thoughts with them for fear they are right."
ReplyDeleteI made this for another professor Its a happy holidays spanish ..... mmmm Im not sure what you call it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lpVgCdl0b8&feature=youtu.be. i'm a highlight!
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so eloquent, love that it's about your unhappiness's, it's touching!
Leaha Maisonneuve:
ReplyDeleteI am not lonely when I shop (or this time of year), nor do I fell disconnected. I think it's unfair that you assume as much.
I don't assume the people around me are unhappy or miserable. I should like to think they are on a mission to bring a little happiness to the people they love. It's unfair to paint their entire holiday by a few moments spent in a line. Are you there on Christmas morning, when their loved ones are opening the gifts? Are you there during their dinner, sharing in their joys? I guess my point, is, we make these terrible assumptions, about 'everyone else' when we ARE those people... and my Christmas is pretty good. Maybe that's just me.